If you knew me 5 years ago you are probably just as shocked as I am that I’ve had 2 little ones. When people would ask about kids I would just laugh and tell them that I’ll be the fun Aunt Jessica forever. I never thought I was mother material. I love kids but I also loved spoiling them and sending them home to their parents. In my past life I tried for a couple years to conceive but always saw the words “not pregnant” on the tests. I let this consume me and it pulled me down into a low spot in life. On the outside I’d just tell everyone that I was okay being the aunt to all my friend’s kids but on the inside I was sad. I so wanted to see two pink lines and have my own bundle of minions to herd around. I finally accepted the fact that my pets would be my kids. Of course it wasn’t medically confirmed that I wasn’t able to bare children but what else could it be? Fast forward to when J and I reconnected. He has 2 kiddos so it was the perfect way to get to have a shot at being a (bonus) mama. I told him my past struggles of trying to conceive and we were both content with the current situation. Well, a few months later and a missed period I FINALLY saw the words “pregnant” on that little test. I took them all because there was just no way. How?! I almost passed out. I immediately texted my best friend because I was in shock. J was down south hunting and I really wanted to see his reaction in person. I had to wait a whole 24 hours with this secret before he came home. As soon as he walked through the door I told him I had a surprise for him. My mom had made her famous green sauce that he loves so I brought a quart home for him. He jokingly said, “what, are you pregnant?” That shocked me that he went straight to that so I started laughing and couldn’t hold it in any longer. I showed him the test and I legit saw the man’s legs wobble. That was one of the few times in life that I’ve felt so much happiness that I cried literal tears. I never thought I’d get this chance. It took all of our strength to keep this tiny little nugget a secret until we got to the doctor’s office to see that little heart flicker. My parents didn’t believe us. My husband jokes 99% of the time so it took lots of reassuring that it was in fact for real. Good thing we brought the ultrasound picture for proof. Of course they were shocked but after the shock wore off they were so happy. They immediately went into grandparent mode and started spoiling our newest family addition before he was even here. I write this as our oldest son is laying across my stomach and our daughter is snuggled up against me. This morning was the dreaded time change so today is all about loose schedules and staying in jammies. I looked down at this as I was drinking my second cup of coffee and just smiled. How on earth did I get so lucky to be their mama. Their safe place in this crazy world. They have no idea how loved they are. That their dad works so hard so they can have the best. That we do all that we do for them. Out of all of the things I’ve been called in life, Mama has got to be my favorite. Seeing little man reach up for me or seeing baby girl smile as soon as her little eyes open beings so much joy to my heart. I have no clue what I’m doing. I’m learning daily what it means to be mom. I am so thankful to have J by my side to help raise these little humans. It’s a tough job but lucky for these kids, we are tougher.