Sick Babies & Scared Mamas

Today broke me. I am not proud of the way I handled things at all. Bubs has Croup and I have the crud. We were in the ER last night because despite my medical knowledge and training I am a complete freak when Jackson is sick. I panic and jump to the worst possible scenario. I think the real reason is because life is fragile and I’ve witnessed that first hand. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to have him and I’m petrified that something bad is going to happen. So when he is sick I lose all rational thinking and panic. Anyways, back to last night. He was a little congested at dinner but nothing too abnormal since he just got over an ear infection. He went to bed just fine but about an hour into sleeping he woke up with the worst cough I’ve ever heard. My heart sank and I just knew I had to get him checked out. A few hours later we were discharged and back on our way home. The doc said it was Croup and the awesome ER nurse staff took great care of us! We didn’t sleep much since he was coming off his steroid high and his coughing would wake us both up. This morning I woke up dog tired and sick. Like I just want to lay in bed all day sick. Hubby is on shift and the grandparents are out of town so it’s me, the kiddo, the pups, cats, and the horse. Taking care of a sick little one is not an easy task, adding your own sickness is just torture. It’s true, moms never get a sick day. We have to be “on” even when we feel like shit. I put on my best customer service voice for work and tried to make calls in between Jackson’s fits. Thanks to 2020 most customers understand a little more that working from home is the new thing to do. My breaking point today was trying to get Jackson to take a nap. The roids had him “all jacked up on Mountain Dew” and he had been awake from 7:30am – 3:00 with only one 20 minute nap after breakfast. He was exhausted. I tried every trick in the book and even put him in the carrier and walked the driveway holding an umbrella (it was obviously raining). Nothing was working. I went upstairs and turned on the TV and tried to get him to fall asleep drinking his bottle. No such luck. I picked him up and carefully carried him down the stairs (another irrational fear). I was on solid ground when my foot caught something and I tripped. Like in a movie tripped. I somehow regained my balance still holding Jackson who was completely oblivious to what just happened. That’s when I lose it. I sat there on the floor holding my baby and cried. Ugly cried. My face was black from mascara left over from the day before and my shirt was soaked with tears. I sat there for what felt like ever holding him and just thanking everyone and everything that he never left my arms. Jackson and the dogs probably thought I was insane. Ugh I could feel my heart stop and couldn’t feel myself breathing as I scrambled for my footing. That has got to be the worst feeling in my life. After I pulled myself together we laid in bed and I soaked up all the sick baby snuggles. He finally fell asleep in my lap and I stayed there for his whole nap. I was NOT moving and risking waking the tiny human. The rest of the evening went on like normal and then we settled in on the couch to watch “mommy’s show” (Heartland) while he drank his bottle. It took some convincing but he finally gave into the sleep time routine and drifted on to dreamland. Now I lay here thinking about the day and how disappointed I am in myself. I was so frustrated with him this morning for not napping and for fighting me on everything. Well of course he did! (Face palm myself). If he feels as bad as I do then I can’t blame him. I’m sure being sick and that small is weird. You have no idea why you feel bad but you just do. And these big humans are clueless and try and give you stuff when really all you want is to be held. I know there is no road map for this parenting gig but I do know that I failed today. I failed him and myself. But that’s okay because tomorrow is a new day and I will do better. I will do better at watching his cues and try to soothe and comfort him. I will bounce him, walk him, drive him around, or do whatever he needs me to do. Because that’s my job. I am mom. And moms do whatever they have to so the tiny humans are safe and healthy. As I drift off into my Benadryl assisted sleep I’ll remind myself to wake up with a little more grace and a lot more patience. Because just like Jackson, we are all just figuring this out day by day. It’s just a bad day, not a bad

4 thoughts on “Sick Babies & Scared Mamas

  1. You are a wonderful, amazing and strong mama. You put your baby first and you did whatever you could to make sure he was okay and you got yourself through the day. I call that the biggest win ever!! I don’t know a soul that could have done it any better!

    When Jackson grows up and if he gets the chance to read this, I would bet he would think you were the best mama ever!

    Feel better soon! 🙌

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  2. Wow, my heart was in my throat reading this. You poor thing. Boy, we’ve all had those meltdown moments – imagine how worse we’d feel if we held it all in? The worst, scariest times in my life happened when my kids were tiny and sick. Nothing worse. Feeling you. Hang in there, momma!

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