Fine. Nothing. Fine.

In our household when you don’t want to elaborate about your day you just say, “fine. nothing. fine.” And that’s code for, I’m fine, nothing happened, everything’s fine. We probably default to this too much and by we, I mean me. The truth is, I’m not fine. I’m barely even okay. I’m struggling daily and I feel like a loose cannon of emotions. Jackson just turned 1 and I can’t believe it! My little baby is turning into a toddler and there is nothing I can do to slow this down. Recently he had a stomach virus that lingered for 9 days. Yes, I said 9. Throughout those days he had vomit and diarrhea constantly and all of us were covered in lord knows what. I lost count on how many loads of laundry and how many outfit changes happened. We were in the doctor’s office multiple times and even went to the hospital after a bad evening of constant vomiting. Finally a pediatrician listened to me and didn’t blow it off as “a virus just running its course”. She asked questions and finally we decided to stop formula since he was at the “right time” to transition to regular milk. The tricky part was, she also suggested no dairy as the lactose was not settling in his stripped stomach. I started him on oatmilk and within ½ a day his symptoms had drastically diminished. We had no more vomiting and the diaper situation was slowing. Hallelujah! After a few days we started to introduce solids again and this is where my mom heart is just crushed. We started to notice that he would randomly gag himself into vomiting while eating. It didn’t matter the texture, the food, or even the size of the bites. He vomited with mashed potatoes, chicken nuggets (cut into pincher pieces), even applesauce. It’s not every time and it there is no stopping it. As soon as he starts gagging his empties his entire stomach. Then it’s straight to the bath and he refuses to eat again. I thought it was just some lingering side effects of the virus but it’s been too long. My main worry is his nutrition. He is no longer on formula so we need him to be eating foods to get the nutrients needed to grow big and strong. His pediatrician has recommended a speech therapist to help with the eating issue we are facing. This is all so new to all of us and it might seem minor to some but I’m lost. Meal times literally drive me insane. My anxiety is off the charts during mealtime. “Don’t feed him too much. Those bites are too big. That food makes him gag. He doesn’t like that texture.” These are constantly coming out of my mouth as his dad and grandparents try to help. I try so hard to not pressure him to eat but he NEEDS to eat something. The only thing we can really get him to eat are blackberries, raspberries, and strawberries. Each meal I hold my breath and just wait for the eruption. He comes home from daycare in different clothes than I sent so I know it’s happening there too. His teachers are always so kind when they have to tell me that my child puked again. I promise them it’s just “how he is” and that he’s not sick. Looking at him most would probably just shh me and tell me he looks like a healthy growing boy. But I can see that his wrist rolls aren’t as big and his chunky legs are starting to slender. Maybe it’s because he is moving around more or maybe it’s because his stomach gets emptied multiple times a day. And of course, he’s only 1 so he can’t tell me if something hurts or doesn’t feel right. No one prepares you for this. For the hard stuff. And even if they did I probably would have thought “that won’t be us”. Well, never think that. Since having Jackson we have been thrown many curve balls and this is another one. Time to start pushing for more answers and for people to start listening to my concerns. I knew something wasn’t right and I let doctors and others tell me everything was fine. Always trust your mom gut. I’m so thankful we picked a random pediatrician to be seen ASAP and that I finally feel heard. Although I still very emotional about all this new stuff I feel a bit better knowing we have referrals in for speech therapy and will be setting an evaluation soon. I hope little man starts to enjoy exploring new foods and maybe we can get some chunky little legs back ♥️